


"J-Jeremy? It's Michael."

by leopardprintpants



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Character Death, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Panic Attacks, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Triggers, You Have Been Warned, why is that last one a tag and why is it so me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-21 20:36:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11365170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leopardprintpants/pseuds/leopardprintpants
Summary: "C'mon man, move it." Jeremy tried going past Michael, but the taller teen moved in front of him."Or you'll what?" He hissed, staring down at Jeremy with attempted intimidation and desperation in his eyes. There was no response for a few seconds, just the two staring at each other, a silent dare floating between them."Get out of my way, loser," Jeremy suddenly spit out. Michael's eyes widened and he felt his heart drop. Jeremy took the silence as a chance to brush past the shocked teen and walk away, seemingly without a care.Jeremy had abandoned him.----Takes place before, during, and after Michael in the Bathroom.





	"J-Jeremy? It's Michael."

**Author's Note:**

> *TRIGGER WARNINGS: IMPLIED/REFERENCED SUICIDE, MENTIONED SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, PANIC ATTACK, CURSING*
> 
> I'm sorry I now understand why my pals don't like my angst

"C'mon man, move it." Jeremy tried going past Michael, but the taller teen moved in front of him.

"Or you'll what?" He hissed, staring down at Jeremy with attempted intimidation and desperation in his eyes. There was no response for a few seconds, just the two staring at each other, a silent dare floating between them.

"Get out of my way, loser," Jeremy suddenly spit out. Michael's eyes widened and he felt his heart drop. Jeremy took the silence as a chance to brush past the shocked teen and walk away, seemingly without a care. The bathroom door slammed shut while the lock was still in place.

Those six words floated around in Michael's mind even after Jeremy moved out of sight. His only friend had called him a loser. Had disregarded every warning and information that could possibly convince him that something with the SQUIP was very, very dangerous.

Jeremy had abandoned him.

He couldn't help but feel like it was his own fault. Michael had this once chance in months to help his friend--no, ex-friend--and he blew it. He messed up somehow. He always messed up. God, why now? When he was actually needed for once?

No, wait, fuck. It wasn't his fault. It was the SQUIP's. Maybe Rich's. Anyone but Michael. He was just trying to help.

Maybe he just should've tried harder.

The doorknob wiggled and someone pounded on the door. His hopes went up. Was it Jeremy? Did he come back?

"Hello? Some of us have to pee!" Came an unfamiliar voice, annoyed and impatient.

His hopes came crashing down. No, that definitely wasn't Jeremy. Michael couldn't be bothered to recognize who this person was.

"I'm having my period," he called back in disappointment, perching himself on the edge of the tub.

"Take your time, honey," the girl outside sighed. Michael heard fading footsteps through the noise of the party outside and slowly slid into the tub, leaning back against the smooth porcelain.

He was alone again. Was this a good thing or a bad thing?

He guessed it didn't really matter. Fuck, he was always alone. His parents were almost never home. His stupid social anxiety kept him from trying to connect with other people in real life. He had found that typing shitty jokes and half-assed conversations was much easier than talking in person.

Jeremy was his only friend and only hope of making more friends. That sure turned out well.

A loser like him didn't belong at a party like this. Maybe he didn't belong by Jeremy's side, either. Not anymore, at least.

No one would notice if he just... disappeared.

God, how long has it been since he was left here?

He and Jeremy had been friends for so long. Twelve whole years, nearly thirteen.

The thought made Michael laugh bitterly. Unlucky number thirteen.

It had felt so surreal, that they'd never drifted for so long. They grew up together, gone through so many bad times, comforted each other when things got rough, learned how to make the other feel safe. Jeremy had laughed through Michael's skater phase and Michael had laughed through Jeremy's pop song phase.

They had so much history together, and Jeremy was just forgetting all of it. Probably meeting Michael's new, upgraded version. Making new memories. Ones that took place as Michael sulked in some stranger's bathroom just half a minute away.

Jeremy was literally throwing so much away just for some girl he never really even talked to. Michael usually never got jealous, but... fuck, that stung.

Faintly, from the other side of the door, a drunk girl loudly sang along to a Whitney song. This was just another reminder that Michael was at a party he shouldn't be at. He'd only came for Jeremy.

That sure turned out well.

Michael didn't realize when the tears started to roll down his cheeks, but he didn't care. His entire body felt like lead. He just let the tears fall, leaving itching trails on his skin when they dried. He wondered when they'd stop. If they'd stop.

Would he still be crying when the party ended? What if he did and someone came around and found him? He could just blame it on weed or something. Say someone's drink managed to drop into his eyes.

Suddenly, there were more pounds on the door. Michael flinched as the person behind it seemed to shout, although it was all just a loud garbling he couldn't even hope to make out. Either someone was really drunk and really desperate to take a piss, or Michael's brain was fucking up. Still, he could take this as a chance to book it.

The knocking continued and Michael shakily stood up. He was reminded of how much he hated loud noises. Especially the types of loud noises at these shitty parties.

Jeremy would know what to do to distract him from it.

Michael wondered what he would see once he opened the door. He imagined teens shouting along to crappy music, yelling at each other through drunken cheers, maybe even a fucking vase crashing onto the floor.

God, the knocking seemed to get more intense the more he thought about it. His chest tightened and he stumbled forward to the sink, his death grip holding onto the porcelain when he reached it. His head spun at the movement.

The pounding on the door seemed to match the pounding of his heart. This was too much noise. He shouldn't have come. He should've known Jeremy would be completely fine without him. Why did Michael worry so much?

He hunched over the sink with his eyes clenched shut, barely registering his glasses slipping off his face. He clumsily reached for the tap and focused on listening to the rushing water as it turned on quickly before shoving his hands under it and splashing the cool water onto his face.

The sudden cold helped him ground himself. He felt beads of it roll down and drip into the sink. He brought a trembling hand up to wipe his face and looked at his reflection. He chose to ignore the shitty "kicked puppy" look in his eyes and instead looked at his chest as it rose and fell rapidly.

Fuck, he needed someone. He needed someone to help him, to come into this fucking bathroom and drag him home. He needed--

"--Jeremy," his voice sounded unnatural, shaky and desperate and weak. A sob managed to leave him. "I-I need Jeremy. God, fuck, fuck, I need--"

"In, two, three, four, out, two, three, four. Good job, Michael, keep breathing with me. Do you think you can count with me? C'mon, try it." Jeremy's soothing voice seemed to appear. Michael nodded to himself in the mirror after a moment and started counting steadily in his head. Slowly, he started to calm down. His breathing managed to get even, but his chest was still a little tight and his body felt heavy. He was exhausted.

And he had to imagine the presence of his former best friend to calm him the fuck down. Fuck, Michael had major dependency issues. How pathetic was that?

Michael turned to glance at the bathroom door. The knocking had ceased and all seemed quiet besides the rushing tap. He looked back at it and turned the water off quickly. Jeremy was always so whiny about wasting water. He wished Jeremy was with him now.

Maybe they'd be at Michael's house and eat a shitty microwaved dinner. They'd put their forks in the sink and wash them and Jeremy would turn the water off as they scrubbed, spouting something about how some people didn't have accessible water. Michael would just laugh and flick soap suds at him.

He looked back up at his reflection. The shower curtain still hung loosely from its metal rail. The tub still had name-brand shampoos and stupid "men's body wash" bullshit lined against the wall. He was still in the bathroom.

He examined his blurry surroundings through the mirror as he blindly reached for his glasses and wiped the water off of them with his sweater. Tiled floors with those expensive fuzzy bathroom mats. Shiny ass shower nozzle peeking out from the top of the plastic curtains. Spotless door with dark clouds of smoke around it.

Wait.

Smoke?

Michael froze at the realization and fumbled to put his glasses on. Even through the smudges, he could see a black mass of smoke coming up from the crack beneath the door. He rushed forward to open it, but yelped when his palm met the heated knob. He looked at his hand, the skin already turning a horrifying red.

Shit, what did that mean? Not doorknobs meant there was a fire, right? Michael inhaled in shock and couched as he breathed in the rising smoke. There was a fire.

And Michael was in the fucking bathroom.

He stumbled away from the door, nearly tripping over his own two feet as he frantically looked around. There was a window above the shower. Michael scrambled onto the tub and looked out of it. It was a two-story drop, plain pavement below. He wouldn't make it if he tried. He realized the window was too small for him to fit through, anyways.

Pure panic overwhelmed him. Michael felt his heart racing and patted his pants until he could feel the blocky bulge of his phone in his pocket. He whipped it out and managed to dial Jeremy's number, knowing someone must have already called the cops.

He held the phone up to his ear and pressed back against the cool, tiled wall as it rang and rang and rang.

No one picked up.

Desperately, he hung up and tried again.

No one picked up.

Michael hung up before the voicemail thing could record anything and buried his face in his hands. Fuck. He was going to die here. He was going to burn alive and he couldn't even reach the one fucking person who would actually care.

He slumped down, sitting in the bathtub. He felt like he should be crying, but his tears were all gone. He could only sob loudly, mind fuzzing, body trembling, genuine fear and panic and desperation overwhelming him.

He wanted it to stop.

Needed it to stop.

Anything was better than this.

His head shot up and he looked at the mirror.

Anything.

Michael gasped through another dry sob and crawled forward, out of the tub. He kept crawling until he was at the sink and then grabbed it to pull himself up. His body was so heavy. He was so tired.

His legs were weak and shaking as he let go of the sink to grab the mirror. He grunted and sniffled as he tried to tear it off. Amazingly, it worked. He smashed it onto the ground and his knees finally gave out.

He fell on all-fours, right onto some smaller shards of glass. Michael moved them around until he felt heavier pieces, grabbing them and holding them up. The biggest piece had a pointed tip and sides jagged enough that they left stinging cuts on his palm.

Perfect.

Michael had thought of suicide before, but never pictured it like this. He never thought he'd be able to resist popping an entire bottle of sleeping pills and lay in his bed, suicide note and glasses on the bedside table beside him. He never thought the last thing on his search history wouldn't be "how to tie a noose". He never thought he'd be here, in some asshole rich kid's home, dragging his sore body into a bathtub with a glass shard in hand.

Then again, he never thought his best friend of twelve fucking years would ever ditch him for some passing crush.

Michael gripped the shard with his right hand and rolled his sweater sleeves up. The glass shifted a little and he jolted in surprise as it cut some of his wrist. Shit, this might be painful. He'd read that it was one of the quickest ways, though. This was his only option right now, besides...

His gaze moved to the smoke that had risen to the ceiling. Michael coughed a few times and pulled the shower curtain to block his view of the door.

He looked back at his bare wrists and held the shard to the skin. God, he couldn't believe he was going to do this. He couldn't believe he had been put in this situation. He couldn't fucking believe how shitty his life was.

Wait, no. No, not yet. He needed to leave something behind. Something for someone to find and know that he was here, that Michael Mell, desperate and suicidal fuck, chose to commit suicide rather than burn to a crisp while alive or fill his lungs with smoke instead of weed for once.

His parents would only try to call him back. He didn't want to die to some shitty, generic ringtone.

Michael quickly got his phone out again and dialed Jeremy's number. It rang and rang and rang and kept ringing until it went to voicemail.

"Hi, this is Jeremy! Sorry, but I'm busy, so leave a message!" A cheery voice said. A long beep sounded and Michael cleared his throat and closed his eyes.

"J-Jeremy?" He took a shaky breath in. "It's Michael."

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY
> 
> Next chapter will be,,, something?? I didn't plan for a 2nd chapter but I thought it'd be better than cramming :// Also it's 2:30 am and I need a break from crying okay
> 
> ((^^^^ that's a lie I'm a liar I actually didn't cry during this I cried everything out earlier bc I listened to all the cut DEH songs so))
> 
> Next chapter will have our boi Jeremy and his other pals,,, yippeee,,,
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!! I plan to write a fluffier boyf_riends when the 2nd chapter to this is done I promise ((as if that will help)) <3 <3


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